The Love I Want Looks Like Him

A dream of mine has always been marriage. I’ve always imagined myself as a wife, caring for my husband, building a home, loving him deeply. I’ve even pictured having a little boy someday.

But as more time passes, I’ve found myself wondering if that dream will ever actually become a reality. I’m 30. And if I’m being honest, my experience with relationships hasn’t been what I hoped it would be.

I’ve been ghosted. I’ve been kept in something that never really became anything. I’ve been wanted, but only in ways that didn’t honor me.

And when I look at the way dating works in today’s world, it honestly doesn’t appeal to me at all. If ghosting, situationships, and casual intimacy are considered normal, then I don’t want normal. Because I’m not looking for something surface level.

I want a very specific kind of love. I want a love that respects. A love that communicates. A love that is deep and intentional.

I want to feel pursued. Chosen. Comforted. Honored. And more than anything, I want a love that looks like Jesus.

The more I’ve sat with that desire, the more I’ve realized something. Maybe I’m not asking for too much. Maybe I’m asking for something biblical. Because when I think about how Jesus loves His Church, it is not casual. It is not confusing. It is not temporary.

It is intentional. It is sacrificial. It is steady. He pursues. He chooses. He stays.

So maybe the kind of love I’m longing for is not unrealistic. Maybe it is actually a reflection of Him. I want a man who puts God first and loves me from that place. Not perfectly, but genuinely.

I want a man I can respect. A man I would happily follow as he follows Christ. And I don’t think that makes me hard to love. If anything, I think it means I was created with a deeper understanding of what love is meant to be.

But I will be honest. Sometimes I still wonder if marriage just is not in the plans for me. Because finding someone who views love the way I do feels rare. And waiting can feel heavy.

But even in that uncertainty, I am learning this. The love I am looking for is not something I have to wait to experience. Because I already have it in Christ.

He already sees me. He already knows me. He already chose me. His love is not distant or conditional. It is constant.

And while a human relationship could reflect that love in a beautiful way, it could never replace it. So I will not lower my standards just to feel chosen. And I will not settle for something that does not reflect the heart of God.

Instead, I will trust Him. With my desires. With my future. With this dream that still quietly lives in my heart.

Because if marriage is part of my story, He will write it better than I ever could. And if it is not, then I know I am still fully loved, fully seen, and fully held right where I am.

~~*~~

God,
You know the desires of my heart.
You know how deeply I long to love and be loved. And sometimes, that longing feels heavy.
But help me remember that You are the source of the love I am searching for.
Teach me to rest in the way You pursue me, choose me, and care for me, even in seasons where I feel unseen.
Strengthen my heart to wait without settling.
Give me peace in the unknown.
And shape my understanding of love to always reflect You first.
No matter what my future holds, let my life point back to You.
In Jesus name I pray, Amen.